Mice and Men

via

The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Go oft askew,
An' leave us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy! 

I'm often loathe to speak too soon of upcoming plans for exactly this very reason. Shit happens.

Prospects change and more often than not what can go wrong will.

Right now for example many plans have been in the works.

Research and excitement has been building.

Dates have been made and then changed.

I've set things into sequence only to have them suddenly come to a standstill.

I won't say much more about this except that I will persevere for as long as opportunity allows.

While I might be slightly apprehensive as to whether these plans will eventuate I'm also excited at the possibility of finally being able to share them with you all.

One success at a time.

But oh! I backward cast my eye,

On prospects dreary!

And forward, though I cannot see,

I guess and I fear! 

<Poem excerpts courtesy of

Robert Burns - To A Mouse>

They Say Time Heals All Wounds...

Edited using Jean via Pixlr-o-matic.

You may think me a bit of a nut bag after admitting this, but today I'm heading off to see a medical intuitive. (I'm aware of how fruity this sounds - please don't judge me)

In my long list of arsenal this is my last ditch attempt to conceive before the year is out.

Or, at the very least, figure out what might be wrong with me.

Who knows, maybe she'll be able to figure it out, I know none of the specialists seem to be able to.

It's worth a shot… surely it's better than doing nothing… or maybe it'll be a waste of money. We'll see.

I've never really spoken of this and even now am a bit reluctant to but many years ago I began seeing Carmel due to some severe anxiety I was experiencing (no thanks to a horror boss) along with my ailing ovaries.

Lo and behold within the year not only did we alleviate my stress but I managed to fall pregnant!

Up till then we'd spent 6yrs throwing caution to the wind.

Since I'd been told I was infertile and would never be able to conceive without medical assistance I was careless and naive. I'd only had two cycles a year since I was 16 so I had no reason to think it odd when I'd missed two periods in a row.

No one was more shocked than I was when the doctor gave me the news. Besides maybe hubby (then beau).

I would sooner have believed I was dying of a rare stomach disease then think I may have been pregnant!

I ordered blood test after blood test, never once daring to believe the obvious to be true.

Not until that little heart beat bleeped up on the monitor at my 8 week ultrasound did I allow myself to feel connected. To believe in the miracle I was carrying inside of me.

Unfortunately as quickly as we confirmed it, it was gone.

The dream had turned into a nightmare.

Hopes were dashed, dreams were mourned.

All was lost and I allowed myself to be swept away.

I stopped all sessions with Carmel.

Refused therapy and counselling.

Turned my back on natropathy and basically carried on the best way I knew how. By blocking it out.

Women go through this all the time - I reasoned - They just pick themselves up and move on.

It wasn't the right time - I thought - It wasn't meant to be.

I told myself that in a few years time, when we were finically stable and in a better position, ie; living together etc, we would see how things went.

I just couldn't stand to go through all that again so soon and so we took every precaution we could this time until I felt ready to consciously start trying a year later.

But of coarse, wouldn't you know it, like some sick joke of fate as soon as we wanted it to happen nothing did.

And so here we are almost another 6 years later and I feel like I've come full circle.

I don't know why but the time feels right to see her again.

Maybe I'm just a fruit loop. Reading through her website I know how wacky it all sounds.

Who can say what it was that helped me then.

Who can say if it will ever happen again or, if it does, whether it will even be a successful pregnancy.

I don't know and I refuse to guilt myself about it any more.

All I know is I have to keep trying. I feel compelled to explore every avenue of hope.

I just can't bring myself to give up or let go, no matter how hard I try to put these things out of my mind.

There's only so much left in my bag of tricks and so all that's left to do now is pray for a Christmas miracle.

I know it's a long shot but wish me luck.

You never know, stranger things have happened after all.

xxx

B.S...

Hope

Not thinking....
not thinking...
not waiting...
or hoping...

pfft
yea right!

By tomorrow all should be revealed yet after all this waiting and wishing and praying would you believe I'm actually too scared to know...
In this moment of limbo it all feels so terrifyingly perfect.
With fingers crossed and my heart on a limb I wait just a few more days for a verdict I may not want to hear but also for one I can't seem to live without.

Waiting expectantly,
Yours truly xx

Not Thinking...

I promise this will be the last downer post for a while.
Well the week at least... after this I plan to be far too gloriously busy to give it anymore thought than I already have but as I said the other day, the final week is always the hardest as you just never know what news could be around the corner...

Still, have you ever been told "don't look now" only to instinctively look anyway?

That's pretty much what it's like to not think about something you're trying really hard not to think about. All the while you're reminding yourself not to think about it but the whole act of reminding yourself not to makes you aware you were just thinking about it.... you see my dilemma?... MmmHmm...

Well, as you may know I was reading a book called Eleven Minutes by one of my favourite authors, Paulo Coelho.

I find it rather interesting that it's said that one always seem to pick the right book of his instinctively when "the time is right" so to speak, and that seems to be exactly what happens to me without exception.

For instance, Eleven Minutes is a story that revolves around sex, self discovery and morality that in the end I found a little too predictable yet I still managed to find an extract that resonated completely with my current state of mind:

'In all the languages of the world, there is the same proverb: "What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve over." Well, I say that there isn't an ounce of truth in it. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings that we try to repress and forget. If we're in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we're far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them.

'The gospels and all the sacred texts of all religions were written in exile, in search of God's understanding, of the faith that moves peoples, of the pilgrimage of souls wandering the face of the Earth. Our ancestors did not know, as we do not know, what the Divinity expects from our lives - and it is out of this doubt that books are written, pictures are painted, because we don't want to forget who we are - nor can we.'

Over the next week my heart will be trying really hard not to grieve over what the eyes don't see.

The Head & The Heart

I really do

And yet I continue to do it.

I keep waiting & hoping

then try to talk myself out of it

but my heart always wins in the end.

Playing the waiting game... again...

the last week is always the hardest.

xx

Kat