|Edited using Jean via Pixlr-o-matic.|
You may think me a bit of a nut bag after admitting this, but today I'm heading off to see a medical intuitive. (I'm aware of how fruity this sounds - please don't judge me)
In my long list of arsenal this is my last ditch attempt to conceive before the year is out.
Or, at the very least, figure out what might be wrong with me.
Who knows, maybe she'll be able to figure it out, I know none of the specialists seem to be able to.
It's worth a shot… surely it's better than doing nothing… or maybe it'll be a waste of money. We'll see.
I've never really spoken of this and even now am a bit reluctant to but many years ago I began seeing Carmel due to some severe anxiety I was experiencing (no thanks to a horror boss) along with my ailing ovaries.
Lo and behold within the year not only did we alleviate my stress but I managed to fall pregnant!
Up till then we'd spent 6yrs throwing caution to the wind.
Since I'd been told I was infertile and would never be able to conceive without medical assistance I was careless and naive. I'd only had two cycles a year since I was 16 so I had no reason to think it odd when I'd missed two periods in a row.
No one was more shocked than I was when the doctor gave me the news. Besides maybe hubby (then beau).
I would sooner have believed I was dying of a rare stomach disease then think I may have been pregnant!
I ordered blood test after blood test, never once daring to believe the obvious to be true.
Not until that little heart beat bleeped up on the monitor at my 8 week ultrasound did I allow myself to feel connected. To believe in the miracle I was carrying inside of me.
Unfortunately as quickly as we confirmed it, it was gone.
The dream had turned into a nightmare.
Hopes were dashed, dreams were mourned.
All was lost and I allowed myself to be swept away.
I stopped all sessions with Carmel.
Refused therapy and counselling.
Turned my back on natropathy and basically carried on the best way I knew how. By blocking it out.
Women go through this all the time - I reasoned - They just pick themselves up and move on.
It wasn't the right time - I thought - It wasn't meant to be.
I told myself that in a few years time, when we were finically stable and in a better position, ie; living together etc, we would see how things went.
I just couldn't stand to go through all that again so soon and so we took every precaution we could this time until I felt ready to consciously start trying a year later.
But of coarse, wouldn't you know it, like some sick joke of fate as soon as we wanted it to happen nothing did.
And so here we are almost another 6 years later and I feel like I've come full circle.
I don't know why but the time feels right to see her again.
Maybe I'm just a fruit loop. Reading through her website I know how wacky it all sounds.
Who can say what it was that helped me then.
Who can say if it will ever happen again or, if it does, whether it will even be a successful pregnancy.
I don't know and I refuse to guilt myself about it any more.
All I know is I have to keep trying. I feel compelled to explore every avenue of hope.
I just can't bring myself to give up or let go, no matter how hard I try to put these things out of my mind.
There's only so much left in my bag of tricks and so all that's left to do now is pray for a Christmas miracle.
I know it's a long shot but wish me luck.
You never know, stranger things have happened after all.