This Is All I've Ever Wanted From Life...

‎"A song about seeing the world through childish eyes & being able to see what you really want rather than all the crap that doesn't matter"… I think he sums it up perfectly. 

 Happy Sunday all xox

So Much Love

                                                                                                Source: eatpeople.tumblr.com via Monica on Pinterest

Just living is not enough, said the butterfly. One must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower- Hans Christian Anderson

This Monday I couldn't be loving anything more than the feeling of my growing baby's first flutters.
Right on 18 weeks too!
As my Mum & sister rubbed my belly and spoke words of love through my shirt suddenly a spurt of fluttering began and my sister felt the slightest sweep of movement pass across her skin like the delicate brush of butterfly wings.

All night it continued and again this morning. It seems baby loves to be talked to, which is good since most people I hold company with certainly love to talk :)

In two more weeks hubby and I find out what sex we're having.
I couldn't be more excited to know all is well and healthy in there.
All I want is for this scan to go well and at the end of it all to be granted the greatest reward I have ever dared wish for - our longed for baby, finally in my arms where it has always belonged.

Happy Monday folks xox

p.s. Not in love with the fact that the Much Love Monday meme is dead,

but I'll do my best to keep the spirit alive on here at least. 

Mice and Men

via

The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Go oft askew,
An' leave us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy! 

I'm often loathe to speak too soon of upcoming plans for exactly this very reason. Shit happens.

Prospects change and more often than not what can go wrong will.

Right now for example many plans have been in the works.

Research and excitement has been building.

Dates have been made and then changed.

I've set things into sequence only to have them suddenly come to a standstill.

I won't say much more about this except that I will persevere for as long as opportunity allows.

While I might be slightly apprehensive as to whether these plans will eventuate I'm also excited at the possibility of finally being able to share them with you all.

One success at a time.

But oh! I backward cast my eye,

On prospects dreary!

And forward, though I cannot see,

I guess and I fear! 

<Poem excerpts courtesy of

Robert Burns - To A Mouse>

Faded Memories

Ever since I was a little girl I've felt drawn to and fascinated by old and derelict dwellings.

I would peer into the dusty windows of old corner shops and abandoned houses wondering what former life these neglected buildings once led.

Forgotten and forlorn… but not by me.

I could daydream for hours about what they must have looked like in their former glory.
I loved to imagine who once owned them, lived in them, grew up in them, what kind of things the shops would sell and who the people were who once shopped there.

When I look at an old building I don't just see the cracked and faded paint, dilapidated walls and ceilings or grubby grime stained windows - I see through the dirty facade and wonder at the beauty that once was as well as foolishly hoping that one day it will be restored once again.

I still feel sad when I drive past the empty lot of what once was a house straight out of my dreams.
The run down American country style house was exactly the kind I envisioned when reading so many of my mystery novels as a young girl.
For years it stood there neglected and overrun with vines yet throughout my teens and early twenties I would pass by it and fantasise of one day buying it and restoring it to the home it once was.
Silly that I would still feel cheated somehow by the demolition of that place, since I always knew I could never afford to buy it let alone restore it.
Still I can't help feeling regretful every time I think of it or pass by where it once stood…

Broken but not beaten, full of character, strength and with many stories to tell, sometimes I wish that walls could talk. Don't you?

Tripping

My latest Lust Have

And after showing you these results now can you see why.

Baby I'm hunting you down…

<Click on the images for more awesome examples

from these talented photographers or dive into the pool.>

In The Twilight

I've noticed how void of photography my blog has been lately and clearly my subconscious isn't happy.

The last 3 nights have featured dreams in which I'm taking photos and being directed at how to take better shots. Maybe this is my minds way of clearing a creative block…

I guess this means it's time to get back into it. 

Right. Noted.

Here I go...

They Say Time Heals All Wounds...

Edited using Jean via Pixlr-o-matic.

You may think me a bit of a nut bag after admitting this, but today I'm heading off to see a medical intuitive. (I'm aware of how fruity this sounds - please don't judge me)

In my long list of arsenal this is my last ditch attempt to conceive before the year is out.

Or, at the very least, figure out what might be wrong with me.

Who knows, maybe she'll be able to figure it out, I know none of the specialists seem to be able to.

It's worth a shot… surely it's better than doing nothing… or maybe it'll be a waste of money. We'll see.

I've never really spoken of this and even now am a bit reluctant to but many years ago I began seeing Carmel due to some severe anxiety I was experiencing (no thanks to a horror boss) along with my ailing ovaries.

Lo and behold within the year not only did we alleviate my stress but I managed to fall pregnant!

Up till then we'd spent 6yrs throwing caution to the wind.

Since I'd been told I was infertile and would never be able to conceive without medical assistance I was careless and naive. I'd only had two cycles a year since I was 16 so I had no reason to think it odd when I'd missed two periods in a row.

No one was more shocked than I was when the doctor gave me the news. Besides maybe hubby (then beau).

I would sooner have believed I was dying of a rare stomach disease then think I may have been pregnant!

I ordered blood test after blood test, never once daring to believe the obvious to be true.

Not until that little heart beat bleeped up on the monitor at my 8 week ultrasound did I allow myself to feel connected. To believe in the miracle I was carrying inside of me.

Unfortunately as quickly as we confirmed it, it was gone.

The dream had turned into a nightmare.

Hopes were dashed, dreams were mourned.

All was lost and I allowed myself to be swept away.

I stopped all sessions with Carmel.

Refused therapy and counselling.

Turned my back on natropathy and basically carried on the best way I knew how. By blocking it out.

Women go through this all the time - I reasoned - They just pick themselves up and move on.

It wasn't the right time - I thought - It wasn't meant to be.

I told myself that in a few years time, when we were finically stable and in a better position, ie; living together etc, we would see how things went.

I just couldn't stand to go through all that again so soon and so we took every precaution we could this time until I felt ready to consciously start trying a year later.

But of coarse, wouldn't you know it, like some sick joke of fate as soon as we wanted it to happen nothing did.

And so here we are almost another 6 years later and I feel like I've come full circle.

I don't know why but the time feels right to see her again.

Maybe I'm just a fruit loop. Reading through her website I know how wacky it all sounds.

Who can say what it was that helped me then.

Who can say if it will ever happen again or, if it does, whether it will even be a successful pregnancy.

I don't know and I refuse to guilt myself about it any more.

All I know is I have to keep trying. I feel compelled to explore every avenue of hope.

I just can't bring myself to give up or let go, no matter how hard I try to put these things out of my mind.

There's only so much left in my bag of tricks and so all that's left to do now is pray for a Christmas miracle.

I know it's a long shot but wish me luck.

You never know, stranger things have happened after all.

xxx

Faith

I was standing in Church this Sunday waiting to take communion while inwardly I kept wondering why I was even there if it were really Him who had chosen to burden me with this arduous 5 year journey of infertility…. up till now I've felt God has either been too busy with more important things or flat out ignoring me rather than granting me any peace of mind or let alone any miracles in the pregnancy department.

Still I prayed that this year I be blessed, crossed myself and took my holy communion - then as I walked back to my place to listen to the remainder of the sermon I had this sudden realisation;
If there is a God then He knows my journey all too well, He knows the depths of my heart and the extent of my sins as well as my virtues.
When He sees fit, He will bless me with a child and not a minute sooner.

Not because I've prayed 10x more than Joanne Bloggs, not because of my numerous promises or threats against Him, and certainly not if I keep torturing myself over my past or for loosing faith, but it will happen because the time will be right.

When He decides I've suffered enough, learnt enough, grown enough and strengthened enough to be a mother I will get my baby.
And with that realisation I handed all the details over to Him and an enormous weight has since been lifted from my heart.
For the first time in a long time my burden feels lifted and what's left of my guilt is light enough to bear.

<images found here and here>

Just a mini minute in…. September: The Sky's the Limit!

This last one is just a glimpse of the world
through the eyes of my Orotons… more to come...

I know we're only half way through but I missed out in August
so here I go...
Over the next few months I have lots to anticipate.

❥We finally booked our belated pre-honeymoon (consolation prize) for 3 weeks time - Cairns, Palm Cove &Trinity Beach here we come!

❥I have my first BIG night out in eeeeeons coming up in just 2 weeks time for Miss Jessica's Blinged out B'Day… I advise all to stay out of the Melbourne metropolitan area for fear of being blinded by the guests resembling disco balls, (I'm assuming that's what being "blinged out" means, doesn't it?)...
- stay tuned for tales of drunken debacles and the hilarity that ensues.


❥Throwing my first Halloween party - I reeeally, really, reeally want to have one this year. Really.

❥My favourite time of the year Christmas is just 95 days away - can you believe it?!

❥Staying positive that this longed for baby will be on it's way in the new year xx

Signs from Above

Do you believe in signs?
Maybe I'm just too superstitious but I often believe things happen for a reason.
Take these recent events for example...

The past few nights I've been having extremely vivid dreams about an ex friend of mine.
Lets backtrack: After the fiasco of her behaviour during the lead up to my wedding this March she was demoted to maid of dis-honour/ former best friend.
(Long story short 20 yr friendship down the gurgler due to poor communication and a life time of built up resentment and unspoken issues made worse by some very immature behaviour. These problems were only amplified by the fact my life was changing and hers wasn't ergo growing apart in a rapid fashion ... sadness & hurt all round.)

So back to the signs -
In all these dreams she's reaching out to me for forgiveness but I don't know if that's just my subconscious desire to have her apologise and have the closeness back we once had even though my general mood in my dreams is that I definitely don't want reconciliation. But that could just be a manifestation of my underlining feelings. Blah blah blah...

20 years is a long time after all and even though the friendship was volatile and I don't under any circumstances miss the unhealthiness of our relationship or how we couldn't help ourselves from regressing to immature teenagers around each other, I do miss having that friend whom you know better than they know themselves and being truly known by them too.
In short it's been tough to lose her and maybe I just miss the drama but I've felt a little lost lately and I think a bit of it stems from the trauma of this whole wedding situation.

Cut to now - I get this text message today after 3 months of silence. Up till now nothing! Not even a Facebook poke, like or a pop in msg of hello how are you - nothing but pure hostile silence.
Then BAM a beep on my blackberry with - hi how are you??? Hope alls well and some shit about authorisation she wants me to give in order to get a refund for a voucher I bought for her 7 months ago at a day spa she's unable to book into.
So then some conversing back and forth and now I'm left with "So what else is new?"
Ummmmm....... wtf?
Are we gonna just dance around the fact that you not only sucked as my maid of honour, you actually sucked as my friend period at a time I needed you most then ditched your duties entirely just TWO WEEKS BEFORE MY WEDDING and proceeded to assure me you wanted to share in my day only to NOT turn up to the fucken reception!!!!!
Whats new??? You wanna know what's new? : You really suck.
I'll tell you what's not so new too: You still f'n suck!

But then I go and start wondering, what about those pesky little signs?
Isn't it odd that out of nowhere for the first time I start having dreams involving her just two days before she contacts me out of the blue?

More importantly is this her way of initiating a reconciliation? Even more importantly do I really want reconciliation or simply closure? Maybe I just want to rage but where will that get me?
I don't know what to do with this. Should I bother trying to fix a damaged friendship or is something like this best left alone?

A very wise client of mine once said mending a broken friendship is much like mending a broken vase.
You can try to restore it to it's former beauty but you'll always be able to see the cracks.

For now I'm gonna do the cowardly thing and hide behind the "I got to busy to return your text" excuse.
Maybe I'll gain more clarity tonight over kranskies with friends. Nothing like a big fatty sausage to cure what ails ya!

Blog u later
xx K