Do you believe in signs?
Maybe I'm just too superstitious but I often believe things happen for a reason.
Take these recent events for example...
The past few nights I've been having extremely vivid dreams about an ex friend of mine.
Lets backtrack: After the fiasco of her behaviour during the lead up to my wedding this March she was demoted to maid of dis-honour/ former best friend.
(Long story short 20 yr friendship down the gurgler due to poor communication and a life time of built up resentment and unspoken issues made worse by some very immature behaviour. These problems were only amplified by the fact my life was changing and hers wasn't ergo growing apart in a rapid fashion ... sadness & hurt all round.)
So back to the signs -
In all these dreams she's reaching out to me for forgiveness but I don't know if that's just my subconscious desire to have her apologise and have the closeness back we once had even though my general mood in my dreams is that I definitely don't want reconciliation. But that could just be a manifestation of my underlining feelings. Blah blah blah...
20 years is a long time after all and even though the friendship was volatile and I don't under any circumstances miss the unhealthiness of our relationship or how we couldn't help ourselves from regressing to immature teenagers around each other, I do miss having that friend whom you know better than they know themselves and being truly known by them too.
In short it's been tough to lose her and maybe I just miss the drama but I've felt a little lost lately and I think a bit of it stems from the trauma of this whole wedding situation.
Cut to now - I get this text message today after 3 months of silence. Up till now nothing! Not even a Facebook poke, like or a pop in msg of hello how are you - nothing but pure hostile silence.
Then BAM a beep on my blackberry with - hi how are you??? Hope alls well and some shit about authorisation she wants me to give in order to get a refund for a voucher I bought for her 7 months ago at a day spa she's unable to book into.
So then some conversing back and forth and now I'm left with "So what else is new?"
Are we gonna just dance around the fact that you not only sucked as my maid of honour, you actually sucked as my friend period at a time I needed you most then ditched your duties entirely just TWO WEEKS BEFORE MY WEDDING and proceeded to assure me you wanted to share in my day only to NOT turn up to the fucken reception!!!!!
Whats new??? You wanna know what's new? : You really suck.
I'll tell you what's not so new too: You still f'n suck!
But then I go and start wondering, what about those pesky little signs?
Isn't it odd that out of nowhere for the first time I start having dreams involving her just two days before she contacts me out of the blue?
More importantly is this her way of initiating a reconciliation? Even more importantly do I really want reconciliation or simply closure? Maybe I just want to rage but where will that get me?
I don't know what to do with this. Should I bother trying to fix a damaged friendship or is something like this best left alone?
A very wise client of mine once said mending a broken friendship is much like mending a broken vase.
You can try to restore it to it's former beauty but you'll always be able to see the cracks.
For now I'm gonna do the cowardly thing and hide behind the "I got to busy to return your text" excuse.
Maybe I'll gain more clarity tonight over kranskies with friends. Nothing like a big fatty sausage to cure what ails ya!
Blog u later