I was standing in Church this Sunday waiting to take communion while inwardly I kept wondering why I was even there if it were really Him who had chosen to burden me with this arduous 5 year journey of infertility…. up till now I've felt God has either been too busy with more important things or flat out ignoring me rather than granting me any peace of mind or let alone any miracles in the pregnancy department.
Still I prayed that this year I be blessed, crossed myself and took my holy communion - then as I walked back to my place to listen to the remainder of the sermon I had this sudden realisation;
If there is a God then He knows my journey all too well, He knows the depths of my heart and the extent of my sins as well as my virtues.
When He sees fit, He will bless me with a child and not a minute sooner.
Not because I've prayed 10x more than Joanne Bloggs, not because of my numerous promises or threats against Him, and certainly not if I keep torturing myself over my past or for loosing faith, but it will happen because the time will be right.
When He decides I've suffered enough, learnt enough, grown enough and strengthened enough to be a mother I will get my baby.
And with that realisation I handed all the details over to Him and an enormous weight has since been lifted from my heart.
For the first time in a long time my burden feels lifted and what's left of my guilt is light enough to bear.
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