Just Breathe

Take a deep breath in. Hold.

Take another bit in. Hold.

Exhale 50%. Hold.

Breathe in. Hold.

Exhale a bit. Hold.

Now try to breathe deep. Hold.

That has been my pattern. That has been my breath.

An overwhelming combination of drowning and suffocation.

An overbearing heaviness that weighs down on my heart and chest.

A relentless cycle of sighing and then the inability to draw in anywhere near enough air, like a blanket of doom that has cloaked my heart and lungs for more than a week now.

48hrs before that fateful day it's as though I knew something was about to go terribly wrong.

I've struggled with the decision to write about this most personal of personal events.

Grief & Death. 

While they're an inevitable part of life, some would say the only thing that is guaranteed, the line is fine as to what constitutes honouring a memory here and whether sharing such a deeply private moment is even appropriate. Especially somewhere as faceless and often fickle as the online world.

Surely the loss of a loved one is more complex and worthy of a better sound board than a mere Facebook status?

Not knowing when or how to move on I simply shied away.

I wanted to acknowledge what happened but I didn't want to seem tasteless or tacky in my approach.

I would have much preferred to pretend it didn't happen, to go on as if everything was alright.

But it wasn't and I couldn't.

So I did the next best thing.

Retreat.

Until today.

I know for a fact that the only thing she would hate more than having to leave us is knowing we weren't coping or moving on.

So since this blog is a space of mine to record all things both frivolous and intense in my life, I feel it's only right to acknowledge my darkness first before I can feel comfortable again in my light.

On March 20th heaven took it's angel back as without a doubt this beautiful lady truly was a saint on Earth.

She was the light in so many peoples lives.

She had a warmth that could radiate through to the coldest of hearts.

She brought comfort and love to all who were blessed to be in her divine presence.

Words cannot come close to describing her generosity, her kindness and love. Even though it's an understatement, it is safe to say she was an exceptional woman.

Having lost my Grandfather and only living grandparent at age 12, I would never have known the love of a Grandmother had it not been for this angelic of souls.

I thought I had found my soul mate when I met my husband but little did I know I would gain a second family as well.

Most importantly I received something I had never before known -
the tender relationship between a young woman and her grandmother, for I always felt like she was mine and I hers.

She always had a smile and a twinkle in her eye for me followed by a kiss, a soft hug and unconditional love.

From the first day I met her all those 12 years ago I felt enveloped by the love in her heart.

I knew, even then, that in her eyes I was special the way only a grandmother could believe her granddaughter to be.

I was very lucky to have known her, to have been loved by her and to have the honour of holding these memories of her in my heart.

While I couldn't be there in her final hours I can only hope to have brought her some comfort in her final days.

She always called me her angel but I know it is her who will forever more be my guardian angel.

Every day my breath gets a little less laboured.
Each day it feels slightly easier to breathe.

Just Breathe.

It's become my mantra.

Just Breathe…