Wednesday, 18 April 2012


The Enemy Within
She sits within a crystal heart, adorned by a crown of thorns.
She whispers things inside your head and plants them as your own.
She fills your heart with dread and doubt and when hope comes about,
She hunts the source, she finds the light and snuffs the candle out.
We all struggle now and then to see ourselves as our own best friends as opposed to being our very worst enemies.

I can honestly say I am comfortable in my own company (a little too comfortable at times, you could say that I prefer it) and mostly I can accept that this is who I am and that my body is not me but is merely the vehicle that transports my unique little soul around this world enabling me to leave my own individual mark upon it.

But then something happens to set it all askew.
The inner crazy lady starts to come out of her usual hiding place.
For some, someone may make an idle comment towards them that hits a little too close to home.
A raw nerve is struck sparking that inner dialogue of self doubt and despair.
Or maybe life starts spinning a bit too fast to keep a grasp of, sending the old stress levels and emotions spiralling out of control.

In my case it's always the same… my body, that so called temple, inevitably lets me down right when I want it to rise to the occasion most.

It's no secret around here that I've been TTC for quite a while now, although I have been making a deliberate and conscious effort not to talk about it anymore, around here at least.
(I hope you've noticed, I've been aiming to exude a more positive vibe around here and less of the ' let's hop aboard the waa-waa train')
I've been taking more walks, capturing the beauty in the world around me, making future plans (that don't involve babies) and generally nurturing a happy mindset.
It was all going so well.
My cycle was steady, my tests and scans all came back clear and best of all I'm down to less than 10 follicles within both ovaries.
To all those not in the know, that translates to PCOS free! Hooooooraaaahh!!!!

We then uped the ante and changed physicians resulting in a prescription of Clomid which in theory would force ovulation and regulate my cycle back to 28 days. 
I felt the weight of these past 6 years lift off my shoulders at the imminence of a practical plan.
All we had to do was wait for my next cycle so we could finally begin my treatment.

Can you guess what happened next?
Yep, no period.
It's been 98 days since my last cycle and still nada… (but who's counting?)
This body, this vessel I'm supposed to care so much for has decided it doesn't want to join in on the party. Why co-operate when it can do whatever the hell it feels like?

At first my crazy lady reared her ugly head;
"Don't treat yourself poorly? Be your own best friend? HA! Pppft! How can you not see your stupid body as the enemy when it only serves to sabotage you at every given opportunity?"
I could have taken this direction and run with it but you know what?
I actually can't be arsed. I can't be bothered caring anymore.
Being sad and mopey and depressed and whatever else you want to add to the already salted wounds just takes too much effort.
Equally, hoping and wishing and generally trying to keep the flame alight is just as tiring if not more. 

I. Can't. Be. Bothered.

You hear that body? I give up.
You win. I surrender!

That's it, I've had enough. I'm tired of fighting for the promise of nothing.
I don't want to see anymore doctors. I'm sick of feeling like a specimen.
I've given more blood for samples than the average person donates to save lives and spent enough money on specialists and their tests to fund a round the world trip!
When I think of that waste alone I could weep.

I. Am. Done.

Why focus another minute on something that clearly doesn't want to be?
Now that the usual culprits have been eliminated what other reason can there be for my lack of fertility besides my body screaming loud and clear:
There is no enemy within. The only enemy has been me and for 6 years I've waged war against myself.

This is my time to live. This moment right here is the only thing that counts.
Tomorrow may rain, it may not. 
The world might end this year. It may not.
There's always a chance things could go either way however slim but even if someone could tell me the exact day I would become a mother would I just sit around waiting for it to happen?
And what if they could tell me it never would, would I curl up in a ball and cease to exist?

It's going to be hard to let go, I've spent so long "trying".
Although I am mega excited to be giving up those bloody temperature charts. Forget throwing them out, I feel like lighting a bonfire with them and burying them in the backyard!

I want to know how it feels to not care anymore about babies and creation or the science behind it all.
I want to travel and laugh and take too many pictures.
I want to rest and rejuvenate and meditate on creating inner peace.
I want to make love with my partner because the mood strikes and not because some test says my 'window of opportunity is open'.
Every window, bench, floor, table top and goddamn rooftop will be my open opportunity from now on - haha, avert your eyes!

And if life doesn't wish to be created within me? Then so be it.
I am content to create life in every step I dance to, in every mark I leave upon a persons heart and within every beat of my own in this world for as long as I'm blessed to live it.


The Waits said...

maybe you are meant to come to this point..throwing your hands up in the air. let go of it. dont put yourself through that anymore.
close that door.
find the light, and open another door.
too many things in life to be missed.
take a trip, make love when ever, where ever...
be free, let it go.
life is so much more worth living, when you aren't tense.
give yourself a chance to live.
breathe. live. love.
i always add you in my nightly strong, and let go

Katerina said...

If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you.
- read this quote on the same night I was writing this. Rather apt don't you think?

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts xo


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