I can remember the last few months a little too vividly.All the hoping and praying, the wishing and waiting.
It was such an intense array of emotions that had me swinging between some of the darkest moments I've ever experienced.
Pessimistic self talk partnered with joyful signs of positivity, I couldn't get a grip on myself and I think my poor partner was very near to the end of his tether.
After last month I was so sure my body was a liar. Fooling me with all the telltale signs of pregnancy only to deliver my period in the end. (I've never been so excited to be nauseous, lethargic and constipated in my life!)
Throughout those last two weeks I "just knew" something was different this time but my mind was torn between hopeful thoughts in order to be positive or negative self talk in order not to work myself up. (I honestly don't know which mode of thinking was more painful)
To say I was disappointed when my period came a week after it was supposed to is an understatement - I truly am my own worst enemy.
Having come through it to the other side I've vowed not to let myself slip into such a state ever again.
No result is worth that kind of torture.
So I swore to be indifferent for the rest of this year. To wait it out until January before becoming eligible for IVF and reassessing things from there.
Well it turns out my body's not a liar, just a prankster.
According to both my Gyno and naturopath yesterday, the reason I "felt pregnant" was because I likely was, (as far as my charts show at least. I was too scared to take a test and know the truth. See? Messed up...)
My hormone levels were perfect, my temperature charts classic yet for some unknown reason it just didn't stick, again...
I don't quite know how to feel about this…
I'm sad I guess that I can come so close without it ever eventuating but I think the important thing to get out of this is that something is happening which is more than absolutely nothing.
Starting with this holiday it's time to be kind to myself and my body again. Back to basics.
Sensible eating and more movement.
My natropath has bumped up the magic mix and now it's time to do my part.
Despite the somewhat sad tone to this post, I do have a good feeling about the future.
I'm still sticking to my original mode of thinking ala Fail, (it is the silly season after all) but I won't put my life or happiness on hold for an outcome that can't be rushed.
For now my mantra is: come what may, c'est la vie and leave the self loathing for the bitter kids to play with.